How does this look?

Provide an incentive to the potential buyer.  What do they get if they buy from you?  What do they stand to lose if they don't buy?  Use a call to action by providing a expiration date to prompt them to call.  Why the special (celebrating X years in business)? 

You are going after people who have used pros before.  What is it that they probably didn't like about the last guys?  So how are you different?  What guarantees?  Dry in 2 hours?  Traffic patterns are just a memory? 
What they are looking for I believe is a great price, a cleaning miracle and a professional approach.  Start with price, let it open the door for you and they help the prospect understand how teflon kept their carpet in the great shape it is in now and how fortifying that teflon will keep it going strong.  Sell them on grooming rakes for their carpets sake (before vacuuming to lift fibers and after as a cosmetic treatment).

Sell the sizzle that is your excellence.  The words I saw would not do it for you, I honestly believe.

How does it sound like a small company and why not? Don't people now-a-days prefer the mom and pop companies where the owner is going to come in and clean his heart out for you as opposed to Mr. Big Time Steemer who is going to send an employee to your doorstep who could probably care less about you or your carpet?

souds like a small company

1 man operation who brings his kids to pull the hoses.

Edited by Ream57 - 05/December/2007 at 12:21pm